Classical Auto Repair

(original post: September 19, 2009)

How many classical teachers does it take to change an auto battery terminal clamp?

Mr. Watson's car started acting up on Thursday as he was coming to school, so he left it at BreadCo and came in for classes. At lunch, Mr. Watson and Mr. Colvard went back to see what they could do to get the car started. The jumper cables didn't quite reach between the batteries and they couldn't get closer because of the lunchtime traffic so they returned to school being very responsible about teaching their classes.

After school Watson, Colvard and I returned to BreadCo to somehow make the car work. We thought about inviting Heckel along but we couldn't find him. When we arrived, we didn't have a truly proper set of tools for this but were willing to use what was available to help out a beleagured colleague; after all, we're classical teachers, we're versatile. So with a Phillips head screw driver, a pair of sheet metal cutters and a crescent wrench we did what we could to clean the battery terminal and hammer the clamp into temporary position (while crossing our fingers behind our backs). The car started enough to get to an auto parts store.

Upon arrival at the auto parts store, we immediately dove into a conversation about the merits of different styles of battery clamps. Seriously, you can't just buy anything; there has to be a functionality and an aesthetic to this; even if it's going to be hidden under the hood. Once the replacement terminal clamp was purchased, we used our mongrel tool kit to install it. What a sight! Three geeks in ties (two of them in bowties) under the hood of the car in the auto parts parking lot, each with a worldview opinion on what was to be done, wrestling with one little wire using sheet metal cutters and a crescent wrench. One was holding the clamp, one was clamping the old terminal and one was shaking his head in doubt of success. A small crowd of shadetree mechanics gathered inside the autoparts store to watch through the windows. I suspect they were waiting for sparks to fly out from under the hood and light someone's bowtie on fire.

It shouldn't have, but it took us twenty minutes to finish the job (and we thought we heard laughter from inside the store). Our collaborative efforts paid off somewhat as we experienced something akin to success and all without getting grease or dirt on our shirts. Smiling, Mr. Watson drove away in confidence that his car would behave properly.

So, how many classical teachers does it take to change an auto battery terminal clamp?

Apparently ... at least three.